Call Me English

A little corner of the world where I talk about what I want.

Posts Tagged ‘family guy

Two nights at the movies

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I don’t often go to the movies… maybe once or twice a year.  And now I remember why.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy films – I love them and have a whole list I am waiting to see. I often just can’t handle the way others behave when they’re watching.

We saw Moonrise Kingdom and Ted this weekend.  Both are excellent films and worth a look, but don’t make the mistake some morons out there are making, believing these to be children’s films.  They are not.

Moonrise Kingdom is a sweetly demented tale of young love on a remote New England island from hipster man-child Wes Anderson.  Bill Murray, Edward Norton, and Bruce Willis are great.  One of my faves, Frances McDormand, is fantastic as always.  The real revelations in MK, however, are the two pre-teen leads, Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward.  Child actors can make or break a film like this, and both Gilman and Hayward kept the chain together brilliantly, sad though I may be that they were both born in the very late 1990s.

Ted is more than just a two-hour episode of Family Guy.  It’s Seth MacFarlane’s directorial debut – one with momentum, heart, and countless knee-slapping, poo-speckled belly laughs.  Strong performances abound from Mark “y Mark” Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Joel McHale, Giovanni Ribisi, and MacFarlane himself as the chauvinistic slacker of a title teddy bear.  There are great small performances/cameos from Patrick Warburton, Norah Jones, Ryan Reynolds, and Sir Patrick Stewart.  MacFarlane takes political incorrectness to another level, sprinkles in 70s and 80s film and television references, and the end result is a movie about Boston that even a couple of New Yorkers could love.

So here are some things at the movies that keep me away:

  • Cost – When the hell did prices go up to $13.50? Is this a movie or a sporting event? Not enough of that price is going to theatre cleanliness, let me just tell you.
  • Cleanliness – It seems like every seat is bruised at the movie establishments in my area. The floors are sticky, the carpets are torn up, and the thought of bed bugs possibly infesting cinemas in this city makes my skin crawl.
  • Pre-show entertainment – What law on the books states that the music played before movies has to be the worst music ever recorded?
  • Previews – They last almost half an hour now.  Play them before the lights go down if you must…
  • Patrons – No, you cannot show up five minutes before the show and expect to get a good seat.
  • Patrons – Don’t make the farmer’s blow noise in public.
  • Patrons – If you’re going to sneak in bottled soft drinks, don’t shake them up so that they explode all over the floor.
  • Patrons – Don’t use your phone for any reason, no matter how “silent,” for the duration of the film.
  • Patrons – If you must leave during the show, don’t expect to get your seat back.  When you return, you should go all the way to the front and crane your neck for the rest of the film; this is your punishment for buying that Diet Coke the size of a toilet.